Saturday, April 26, 2008

Praises in the early morn

Thank you Jesus for meeting with me this morning.

Well, as you can see it's 4:30 in the morning and I am....up. I visited my poor little nephew Jack and my sick sissi Britt tonight. Both were throwing up constantly, part of a weird flu virus going around. It starts and then goes away believing you are fine and then comes back with no warning at all. I came home and went to bed but received a call a couple hours ago that my brother-in-law was going to take Jack into the hospital to have him checked out. My sis couldn't go cause she was too sick. We prayed together and then of course me, I can't sleep because I am concerned and praying. It was my request that she call me. My Dad went to be with Jeremy and my Mom went to be with Britt. Dad called quite awhile ago and let me know that they think Jack just has a virus and they are hydrating him with an IV. Praise the Lord. And also praise to the the Lord for allowing my niece Olivia to sleep through it all. So all is well (pretty much) and I can't sleep.

Well , I decided to watch Wife Swap to numb my mind to sleep but.....still awake. So I decided to watch the Dove Awards I had on my DVR. I was really enjoying it. It is always fun to watch as that was once a dream of mine to be singing contemporary Christian or Worship professionally. Next up was Casting Crowns singing East to West. Okay so I have heard this song a million times and I really enjoy the Melody but it seems I have only really heard the chorus. As I listened and grasped on to every little word I was able to fully understand the song and relate to it in this moment. In my Beth Moore Bible study we are studying the Psalms of Ascent. These were the psalms that the pilgrims (those coming out of exile, those traveling for the feasts, etc.) would sing as they traveled to reach their destination. We are learning how powerful song is for memorization, for feeling, for getting us by. We are learning that we too are pilgrims on this journey to a destination also (our heavenly home.) And we need songs for the road too. East to West will be a new one of mine.

I have been really thinking about a lot of things lately and really seeking to divide my time in a way that would honor God and really make sure my motives are to serve Him alone. There are many decisions to be made on my part regarding my working life, home life, church life, family life. The weight of responsibility can be so heavy at times. I add much of it myself. I have also been experiencing so much stress and guilt and all the things that seek to steal a woman's joy. We have many hats to wear. I have also been reading the book Captivating which is really explaining to me more and more about our womanhood and why we have the desires we have to be cherished and loved and adored. I know this might not make a lot of sense but it all blends together very well for me. It talks about as women how we are sometimes made to feel (either by ourselves or others) that we are not good enough or too much.

I have decided that guilt and insecurity is a very sneaky way that Satan attacks me and I am assuming most women feel some sense of this and I am fired up and angry about it. It is such an easy one to miss because it really does seem to come from us. Why do I always feel that I am not good enough and at the same time too much. Because Satan likes to creep in and remind us of this even though it is NOT true! I never recognize him in those feelings because they seem to be just my own insecurities and self doubt. What I don't catch on to quick enough is often times he is whispering those thoughts! I am constantly trying to please somebody, constantly trying to be "enough", questioning myself after I leave a conversation, and of course trying to please God (this I will continue to do but I do know my salvation does not depend on it.) I also feel so much guilt. It is crazy, if I am playing with my kids, I feel guilty for not getting things done, if I am getting things done, I feel guilty for ignoring my kids, if I am working at the church, I feel I should be working to earn money to help with finances at home, if I am working, I would rather be serving, on and on and on... such a cycle. And then there are the struggles that continue that seem so hard to defeat... being content with what we have, losing my patience with the kiddos,etc. When you make the same mistake over and over it is very easy to feel like there will never be victory. I guess in this moment I am just feeling rugged right now. There are definitely strong days, hours, and minutes and weak ones. There always will be as long as we are on this journey.

Anyway....... so the lyrics really went deep into my soul this morning and I found myself on my face before my God and I wept. I wept for not recognizing the thwarts of the enemy, for being a woman so concerned with herself that her mind was filled with guilt and insecurity, for not seeing the beauty (inside of and out) of what he created me to be, for making the same mistakes over and over, for not grasping his rest and mercy. And He held me, loved on me.......and met me there. It really feels so wonderful to be in complete surrender to him. I try to do this often but at times I am so distracted or so concerned with time. But tonight....he kept me up for a reason, and I am so glad He did. Just pouring my heart out to Him was so refreshing and then praising Him and giving him the love and adoration he deserves was so satisfying. It is so amazing how praising him changes us. How he is so generous a God to allow us to receive out of the praises we give to him. We receive because we surrender and we release the responsibility of trying to do it all on our own. We recognize our need for a Savior and we can rest in knowing he's "got our back." I copied the lyrics below and placed the lyrics that stood out to me in bold faced print. I encourage you to add this song to your mix tape for the road trip of your life too!

"East To West"

Here I am, Lord, and I'm drowning in your sea of forgetfulness
The chains of yesterday surround me
I yearn for peace and rest
I don't want to end up where You found me
And it echoes in my mind, keeps me awake tonight

I know You've cast my sin as far as the east is from the west
And I stand before You now as though I've never sinned
But today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

Jesus, can You show me just how far the east is from the west
'cause I can't bear to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest

'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way

I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel, but by the truth Your word reveals

I'm not holding on to You, but You're holding on to me
You're holding on to me

Jesus, You know just how far the east is from the west
I don't have to see the man I've been come rising up in me again
In the arms of Your mercy I find rest
'cause You know just how far the east is from the west
From one scarred hand to the other

One scarred hand to the other
From one scarred hand to the other

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Up above the world so high.....Up above the world so high.... Up above....

Twinkwle, twinkwle wittle sthar....what you are...up above the world so high, up above the world so high, up above the world so high, up above the world so high.....On and on is what I heard as I was jolted from sleep two hours earlier than normal! Oh it was so adorable but hearing it through my baby monitor morning alarm so early this morning was just too much.

Oh, and she drank her first V-8 today! She loved it! Go veggies go!!!

If you just believe............

I have been going though the Beth Moore Bible study at church recently called Stepping Up. As I was doing my homework this week it really confirmed to me a thought I had just previous to starting the study. Do I REALLY believe that God can help me to completely overcome my struggles. I mean the day to day things that I feel I continually fight. Up until now, I don't know if I was really truly "beyond a shadow of a doubt" was believing. It is weird. I fully believe it in my head but this one concept on this one subject I realized had never truly made it to my heart. I feel like the windows have been washed and I can see clearly now! There is hope! Just cause I have never truly experience overcoming these things doesn't mean it can't happen! Of course there have been small victories but I mean I want to win the war if you know what I mean! He WILL bring me through! I am so excited to see this all come to fruition. If you have day to day struggles that you continually deal with, I encourage you to really think about it, and pray for help with your belief and then let your imagination go wild with a vision of triumph. I keep imagining myself doing the right thing, making the right choice and I now have a visual of what the outcome could be!

Monday, April 21, 2008

Mollie Likes Spaces Her Size

My Babe and My Baby

Angry Dream

Have you ever woke up from a dream angry? It made me even more angry that I woke up from a dream being angry! But...... it has been a little while now and I am feeling more humorous than angry. Some of you will get a kick out of this one............

So, for some reason my parents were living in an apartment (I think) and it was pretty dim with just pockets of sunshine coming through. At some point in my dream the apartment also seemed to be my Grandpa and Grandma Lovelace's house (probably because I really need to call them :) but it was a long time ago because they still had their blue shag carpet. We were having a party of some sort and for some reason there were a lot of toys and clothes (A LOT!) all throughout the place. (That last part probably comes from me having PILES of clean laundry on the floor in my room that I have been MEANING to fold for about 5 days.)

It was getting late and it was my mom, me, Anggi, and Steph. I am not sure where all of the other key players were. I do however know where my Dad was. In the dream my mom was working on contacting him through British Airways so I am assuming he was traveling to London on business. In my dream it is now 12:45am and I am exhausted beyond belief (this may come from my lack of sleep because of a stinkin' pinched nerve & one sick child in real life.) We are attempting to clean up this mess that is strewn across the floor in every room and turn it into organized groups stored in an assortment of laundry baskets. It is taking FOREVER! Finally the job is complete and I then make the mistake of excusing myself to the ladies room.

To my horror I return and the contents of each and every basket are very neatly aligned in rows and patterns covering every inch of floor throughout the living room, dining room, family room and kitchen! "What the????????" (Yes I did end that sentence with "the" as swearing is not a common language I use.) "Whoooooooo did this?" I say in my most evil voice. And the response I receive is giggling (my mom is off somewhere in a bedroom still trying to get through to the airline.) Well, out of my total exhaustion and speaking through angry hot tears streaming down my face I say "Cleannnnn iiiiiittt uuuuup" in more of a growl than a recognizable tone of voice.

I start frantically trying to clean things up so we can just get home and go to sleep and what do you know? The laundry baskets are missing! So now we are on a hunt to find where Anggi hid them (who can't remember either because she is exhausted as well!) Did I mention it is light outside at 12:45am? (This must come from those unpleasant "white nights" we experienced in Russia!) So we are roaming outside the apartment complex looking for baskets and seeing each passerby as a suspect of basket burglary. Finally we find them and the girls are roaring with laughter and this is when I am so LIVID that I ................wake up.

Sorry girls! I am not mad at you in real life and no it is not some suppressed anger either! Just an off the wall crazy dream. Ever have those? I know sometimes they are painstaking to listen to so I am sorry to pour this one out on your early morning possibly not fully caffeinated brains but I just had to share for those who might share in my.....laughter! (You thought I was going say anger didn't you?)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Check it out........

So.............did you notice? Stephanie totally rocked my blog! Thank you Girl! I had the pleasure of sitting with her today and we had so much fun designing my new blog! She is quite the talent isn't she? I am pretty lucky to have her for a best friend. And now to make her happy, I am blogging again! I am teasing you Steph. Stayed tuned.....more blogs to come.......

Monday, April 07, 2008

Pity Party

Okay, so have you ever had one of those days when you feel like a disappointment to everyone? Maybe even a little Mommy guilt mixed in? Yuck! That is my day today but I'm working and praying my way out. And actually if I look at each situation I faced today, it is not a really big deal and it was probably more internal doubt in myself than another's feelings "about" me. It just started off icky. Emails and phone calls reminding me of responsibilities and such. I don't know, maybe it is more an overwhelmed feeling. My sweet hubby reminded me that he isn't disappointed in me so that was nice. Just feel like escaping for awhile. Retreat kept me so busy and now it is back to regular life and I am just not ready to face the music you know? Things I put off when I was working on retreat. I think that is all it is. And needing motivation. I am praying for that.

So this is a weird post coming back to blogging but this is the honest truth today.

Weeee'rrreee baaaaccccccckkkk!

Hey, guess what? We're back! I haven't posted for several months and figured it might be time to "get back in the saddle" especially since the rise in blog popularity! I certainly would not want to be left out of the blogging community! So pretty soon you will see more posts from me and hopefully a more beautiful blog page! Come back soon!