Sunday, June 17, 2007

Thank You Jesus.

I am so very thankful to Jesus to placing this dream and faith in our hearts. I am so very thankful that he has brought friends in our lives that love us and given us a family that I wouldn't trade for anything. I know he has our best interests at heart. He knows the future of Joey, myself, Jones, & Mollie. I do not doubt for a second that there will many challenges along the way but that are lives are going to be filled with such joy, and love, and it is my prayer that we will continually be used by Him. I am thankful through the pain and uncomfortableness of this place and of this night.

I can't sleep. I am feeling alone. I am missing home sooooooooo much. I have to get up in 6 hours for court and I assuming that is why I cannot sleep. I don't feel nervous about it but I bet somewhere inside I am. I think I am more nervous about the family part. I have grown to love these children because they are sweet children in need of a home and I feel that they are God's blessing in our lives. But I wonder how will I love them enough? I don't doubt that I have it in me but it is very hard to imagine right now and that sort of scares me. I love my friend's children deeply, I have loved the children I have nannied. And the love I have for Jack & Livi is so deep that I would just die without it. I want to love my kids THAT much. In my mind and my faith I know I will. They are completely loveable and deserving of it. It is just hard to wrap my mind around and here I go tomorrow signing responsibility for their life. It is scary. I think it is much harder because I am in this place and it is just Joey and I. We rest in the Lord's hands. Near Him is the safest place. I just wish I could go home tonight. I miss my house, my bed, my bathroom, my kitchen, my family, my friends, my church, my grocery store, etc... When I am here it is hard to imagine life at home. Sometimes you forget that you have it, you know? I am just extremely home sick tonight and I need to sleep but can't.

Thank you for walking this road with me and encouraging me. You are all priceless. I hope you don't mind me sharing my honesty. Join with me in prayer if you get the chance. I hope you are having a great day. I am wishing I was where it is 4:30pm.

And Jesus, I love you and I do indeed trust you. Please bring me through this and please help me sleep. Give me your love that I could love my children the way you do. Thank you for my family and friends. I am truly truly thankful & blessed.


Anonymous said...

What you are feeling is normal. Completely normal. Erik and I had that same conversation tonight. You love them, but you need to fall in love with them. And that will happen. We were just discussing that I don't feel as much for Jack as I do other children I love. Not yet. I'm afraid it makes me a bad mom. It's only been 13 days. Thank God Erik just tells me to breathe and NOT think. Just BE. Good luck in court. Tomorrow they will be your children. It will take a while to completely feel like MOM. Just know what you are feeling is normal and your feeling for them will continue to grow every day. Don't judge yourself by how you think you SHOULD feel.

Anonymous said...

You have a beautiful way with words. If I could have put my feelings on paper the night before our adoption, I would have wrote exactly what you said. I can almost feel myself being with you right now, I know the feeling of wanting to come home and sleep in your own bed. You have a strong faith, and that will get you through all of this. This is your time, your miracle of coming together as a family. Even though it is stressful, I bet a year from now, you will look back at this whole experience, and you will have a special, happy place in your heart, filled with fond memories about your trip :)

Anonymous said...

Your post brings back so many memories of our court date 1 year ago! Even after the days of visiting with our kids prior to court...and after the 13 months waiting between our 1st and 2nd trip to bring them home they still felt like someone else's children. Someone said the moment they had a positive court decision was the best feeling in the world...and it was. However, it wasn't until we were home and truely got into the daily routine with them did it seem real. And you will love them like nothing else in the world but it takes time! Our son was 2 and daughter 4 when we came home...language was a little barrier but they understand and learn so quickly! I wish we would have taped her singing and talking in Russian because it goes away before you know it and then you miss it! Enjoy your time there as much as you can and know Mollie and Jones are yours forever:)
Take care!
Lee (another AAI family!)

Anonymous said...

What an amazing journey God has placed you and your husband on. Please know that falling in love with your child does happen. It will happen slowly but surely. Here I am 4 1/2 years later and its actually hard for me to think that my son didn't grow in my belly. Perhaps that is what they mean by "while you didn't grow in my belly you grew in my heart". Because at the end of the day, that is where LOVE LIVES. In our hearts and that is where your children will remain. Your love will just get stronger and fiercer! So much so that you will be looking back on your life thanking God for the blessings he gave to you.
Barb - arkadopt